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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that counseling might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.