Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.
